From: Quatro

09/15/25

Recent times

Not fear but rather curiosity, that's what drives me.
I have been thinking alot about my life, I have done a crazy amount of stuff in my life, and it has been one year since my life completely changed. I was around people who were completely opposite to me, feeling very lonely and being very inauthentic. The only thing I really loved during that time AND WHICH I STILL LOVE is singing on my bike and my plants. I miss the way things were last year, nomatter how bad it was for me.

I ran away from my old life because I knew something was wrong, but I still mourned when I came back and nothing was the same, I spent the first few months of the year completely alone and missing how things were.
But now I am leaving again, in a much more permanent way, and I do think everything will be fine. I have great friends, I have few attachments, and i'm going to a place that is very similar to what I believe is my true nature. I grew up with a heavy buddhist influence, and that is the core of everything I believe in now. I lost a friend right before I went to Japan last year, and I got extremely sick for the whole month or so I was there, but seeing how much buddhism is ingrained into the culture made me feel completely at ease. I am going strictly as a student, everything stays.

In the old days, when a Japanese Buddhist monk reached enlightenment, he would shout "Katsu!". In the modern age this tradition preserveres, the word shouted upon enlightenment in modernity is "TYBG!".

I feel unsure about the state of things right now. Not sure where I stand, not sure what to do. The time really does fly lately, and I feel closer and closer to a decision that could be the best or worst of my life. Maybe a bit of both.

I've been thinking alot, and maybe acting strange because of it. The thing I want most in life is stability, but as it stands things change far too fast, I have no sense of time, I have never had anything consistent in my life, and to top it off I am in love for what feels like the first time in my life.
I worry about everything I do, and I have never understood people well. I am struggling.

I'm currently having mood swings due to steroids, please forgive me.

It's been a weird time (2006-present) but I have four things that keep me grounded wherever I go, these are: buddhism, books, nature, and housework.
no matter what changes, I will have this, and they never stop meaning so much to me